An answer from within.

Hey again.
My writings persist as i speak to a non-existent confidante. Today, my heart will be thanked. Something i havent touched or loved in a long time.

Dear Heart,
perhaps its been a long time since we had a chat. Why? For ages i hated you. You made me feel things i wished i didnt feel. You made me do things i wished i never did. Emotions, the strongest tool were the catalysts to everything. Be it starting this page of letters, my hateful nature or my cold exterior which seems to surface so constantly. It was all thanks to you.

Yet, today i am grateful.

Why so? Simply because you settled me into a chair. You left me with a choice and a sense of direction after a few days ago. I was stunned and upset by the fact i was simply, smitten with two different girls. Yet, within a short moment or rather...less than two days after i rolled on the floor with despair and disgust, i realised, you gave me the answer. Each girl was called. Within seconds of hearing Elizabeth's voice, i relaxed and had to smile. Her sweet voice calmed myself and within seconds, i wished, i could never stop speaking to her.

I called Jes a few minutes later. Perhaps it was the nature of the conversation, the whole topic that turned her once seemingly intruiging uniqueness into an ugly side of naiveness and insensitivity. I sound harsh but she did tick me off. While i kept a calm facade, i felt the same disgust and repulsion that i felt when i left my last girlfriend. Ancient history but the feeling never does change.

A jibe and insult at my intentions, a single misconception was all that was needed and the whole issue of self praising even when not needed. I know she probably didnt mean half the things she said but unfortunately, her whole encouragement to open up to people or that she would be there to listen always didnt suit me. I know she wouldnt. For a girl to open up so quickly to a stranger who has known her for less than a week no longer struck me as sincere. My warmth would soon evaporate and a highly judgemental side of me appeared.

Apologies but my heart has spoken.

Perhaps it was the pointless discussion on how wonderfully androgynous you could be. Perhaps it was the fact that i had no interest for you to banter on in mispronounced english in an attempt of sophistication. Perhaps it was the hints that you dropped that you would like nothing better than to sit on my lap and kiss me and live your warped fantasy.

My heart has spoken.

You were an infatuation. You were a passe.

Not yours,
Aaron